I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
