I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
