carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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