I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
