Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
