I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
is that a dick in a sweater?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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