Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
