What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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