I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
