This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
last night I used snow as a chaser
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
