The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
