I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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