mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
