saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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