He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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