I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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