What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
