I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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