I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
