I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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