Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
