well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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