just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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