I want to have your abortion
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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