Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
