I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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