Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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