bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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