walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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