on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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