I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
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Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
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We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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