Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
