last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
