Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
