Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
