I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
