we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
