I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
