Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
