if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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