You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
