I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
