Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
