dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
