he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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