I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
