Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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