I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
