I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
