a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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