she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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