Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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