New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
