There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i need some magic done to my vagina
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
