Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
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I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
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Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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