My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
