If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
