I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
