I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My ass is underappreciated
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
