You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
