i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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